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Software Maestro

Your competitors are levitating…how can you bring your team up to speed?

Here are some suggestions to get your team levitating as quickly as possible.

1) Have all your meetings standing up.

 Being forced to stand will allow your team members to start levitating almost naturally

2) Remove Chairs from the developers desks

 After a few weeks of #1, Removing *all* the chairs from the developers desks will give them a strong incentive to levitate.  Sure they might occasionally fall, there may be some back injuries, but this sends the message that levitation is a requirement at your workplace.

3) Remove all Stairs and Elevators

 After a few weeks of #2 it’s time to take the big step. Remove all the Stairs and Elevators in your office! Now you’ll see who can really fly! This sends the message that slackers who refuse to adapt to levitation will just not be able to succeed in your organization.

 These last few stragglers will certainly start levitating after a few days of #3!

 Feel free to tell your stories about how you’ve adopted levitation in your organizations and what impediments you found on the way.

Software Maestro

What is the change and why are we embracing it?

Is it just change for the sake of change?

If we go from eating Cheeseburgers to Pizza will we really be healthier? Probably not?

If you go from Java to C# should you have a 75% chance of failure, like Scrum, require the highest levels of commitment and change at all levels of your organization, like Scrum requires, just for the sake of a little change?

What if the change brings no benefit? Who claims that it will and has evidence that it will work in your organization?

These Scrum zealots think that in order for your little web project at some Fortune 500 company to work, that you have to get buy in and change the management structure of the entire enterprise.

How does that make sense?

Would they do that to adapt Java? Ruby? TFS? SVN? GIT?

It is insanity.

All this is, is  the audacity to assume all people are idiots, and that any change is a positive.

If you work for a company where any change would be a positive, I have one word of advice to you: “Quit”.

If you are a company that is thinking about change, I have one word for you. “Think”.

Scrum isn’t any better of a change than anything else we’ve seen widely hyped but wildly underdelivering lately. They just have a large ministry of propaganda and too many have fallen for it.

The most important thing to consider when embarking on change is “Why are you doing it and what will the benefit be?” If you are going to make a huge effort to change, you should figure out what you are changing and why.

Scrum is not the answer. If you change to Scrum you will be certainly changing to something else as soon as you realize it has only shifted, not solved, any longstanding issues. Of course the Zealots want you to wait 2+ years to make that decision, based on Shu-Ha-Ri… Sure

Find the problem and fix it. Don’t buy fad diets.

Software Maestro

In other words you can question your customer, question your developers, but you CANNOT question Scrum or Agile itself.

This seems blatantly hypocritical.

More distressing are posts like this one, and there have been many others in the past, about various posters, including many “luminaries” being banned from the scrum mailing list. Although many of these people were reinstated, the message is clear….question us, question scrum, and you will be banned.

For many people who are CSM’s etc, that is threatening them with their lifeblood.

So here we have a situation where if you deviate from any practice sent from “on high”, you have a “Scrumbut”. “You’re not really doing XP”.

You can’t adapt the process to your organization, the message is often sounded, you have to adopt your organization to the process.

And if you question anything, you have a good chance of being “excommunicated”.

It seems to me the reason for this is merely to promote the adoption of this feeble process, and to sell as much “product” as possible while not mucking with the overly simplistic and prescriptive methodology lest it interfere with the gravy train.

And why do software engineers, who are supposedly rational put up with this nonsense?

It’s time for people to wake up and realize this is all about Post-It’s and Daily Meetings posing as the next great thing.

Question the value of Scrum or it’s practices? You can wind up being banned and your viewpoint silenced.

When will people wake up?

As far as Brainwashing and Propaganda goes check out this link .

Software Maestro

As a developer have you refused to work in a particular shop because of their Scrum/XP implementation?

As a hiring company have you found engineers that have refused to come onboard because of the Scrum/XP process in use?

Tell us your story!

Software Maestro

1) Belongs to a CSM, CST, or Consultancy, or someone who is working towards their CSM etc.

These are invariably glowing praises of scrum, filled with exhortations to follow the party line and “Scrum Harder”

2) Belongs to a relatively neutral actual Scrum user or manager.

These generally talk about how they adopted Scrum to fit the organization, not the other way around, and typically are less positive about Scrum as a whole.

Generally it seems like 95% of the postings fit in Category 1, and the minority are Category 2.

In other words, almost ALL of the positive reports of Scrum, are Infomercials, NOT actual news.

This is nothing more than a MLM campaign, to try to extract money from the marketplace, regardless of whether Scrum is good or bad. They are essentially shills.

Next time you read a scrum blog, check out what profit motive/bias the author brings to the table.

Nearly all of the endless hype about Scrum is merely from those looking to line their pockets from this “trendy” methodology.

Software Maestro

Imagine the productivity gains of zipping to meetings without having to walk , the relaxation of floating a few feet about the ground on a pillow of air, compared to sitting in one of those cheap office chairs from Staples.

Levitation is hard and it requires a total commitment from the highest levels of your organization. It is disruptive and may take years to achieve.  But Levitation works; I have seen it myself.

So I am proud to say that I am now offering two classes related to Levitation.

CLM — Certified Levitation Master.  The CLM Certificate is a 2 day class that teaches the basics of levitation. Although it is nice if one is able to levitate after this course, it is unlikely that will occur. However, you will still get your Certificate, as long as your payment of $1500 clears the bank without any issues.

CLT — Certified Levitation Trainer. The CLT allows the individual to grant CLM Certificate titles to others. The CLT requires a payment of $3500, as well as proof of activism promoting the CLM/CLT Certificates and the benefits of Levitation in general for at least a 1 year period on popular blogging websites.  It is OK if the Candidate has not been able to Levitate, so long as they have demonstrated their ability to steer Candidates (and therefore payments) to the Levitation Alliance and/or Levitation.Org.

Stop being landfall! Levitate today! All major Credit Cards accepted. Call now!

People familiar with Scrum, XP, and Agile know that proponents of these methodologies often make baseless and ludicrous claims while they shamelessly hype their products.

But even by these low standards, Jeff Sutherland goes over the top with his recent blog posting, “A Good ScrumMaster is Hard to Find”.

In this article, he is hyping two things:

1) Scrum in general

and 2) A “buddy” of his he is trying to find a job for.

The fact that he uses the #1 paragraph first to blindside his audience into not realizing it’s a sales pitch for #2 is egregious enough.

But how he does #1 is patently ridiculous. He states:

“Really good ScrumMasters are hard to find because they get promoted to VP of Engineering or head of a business unit or run off and start their own company. Why? The math is simple. As soon as someone demonstrates s/he gets twice the results of anyone else in the company, management starts the promotion process. Because they are experts in leading cross functional teams, they can take on anything in the company.” — Jeff Sutherland

Whoa!

Let’s look at the first sentence and replace ScrumMasters with $X:

“Really good $X are hard to find because they get promoted to VP of Engineering or head of a business unit or run off and start their own company. Why? The math is simple. As soon as someone demonstrates s/he gets twice the results of anyone else in the company, management starts the promotion process. Because they are experts in leading cross functional teams, they can take on anything in the company.“

Is there any valid substitution for $X that makes this statement true? Engineer? Manager? As soon as somone demonstrates they get twice the results of anyone else in the company, now it’s fait accompli that management starts the promotion process? That is laughable.

And what about “twice the results” to begin with? Who says Scrum will give you twice the results? With slight-of-hand reminiscent of Uri Geller, Sutherland smoothly slides that in and dresses it up as if it’s been “shown” by math.

It’s wishful thinking but it isn’t a fact.

If someone substituted “Stanford MBA” for $X, and Stanford ran that ad, they would be sued in a heartbeat for blatantly false advertising, and those stanford MBA’s have a better chance than most of leading a business unit.

I won’t even bother with “Because they are experts in leading cross functional teams, they can take on anything in the company.” because that is ludicrous even to the casual observer. Now these ScrumMeisters are able to become CFO, CEO, any position in the company at all, ALL BECAUSE they got certified? Wow! Can the BBB please investigate them now?

The fact that Sutherland blithely throws out these steaming piles of wisdom, and has the gall to say “The math is simple” while giving NO supporting math AT ALL, shows that Scrum is indeed very simple.

It’s a Snake Oil Marketing Scam, with pyramidal “Certifications” merely to line the pockets of the founders, while they scream out huge promises that no credible person could possibly believe.

If you look at nearly the entire “Pro Agile” webring, with all the “many positive statements” about Scrum and XP, they almost ALL are invariably are selling “Scrum Certifications”, “XP Coaching” or some other way to make money from the “Agile Goldrush”.

Yet few people seem to notice that all these promises are coming from Salesmen — not impartial observers!

Next time you check out an “Pro Agile” website note what the site is selling — it will almost always be something.

Clearly everything stated by these Scrum, XP and Agile Salesmen must be taken with copious amounts of powdered NaCL, as they are wont to say whatever they think their gullible audience wants to hear.

In a future Blowhard Watch we will take a look at some other less than salient aspects of the Scrum marketing machine, but that’s all the stomach I have for today.

Sutherlands original article is here for your edification.

DISCLAIMER: All the statements in this article are MY OPINION ONLY, the conclusions the reader can draw for themselves. I have retained a copy of Jeff’s original article if it “changes” over time.

Software Maestro

Now that the Web 2.x rush is upon us, and there are more and more startups being formed with with “professional” money or simply out of a garage.

Whether it’s garage based or VC based, the situation is often the same:

Long hours, lots of promises, a demanding and infallibile boss and Kool-Aid by the barrel.

I know a little about startups; I’ve been the CEO of a startup, I’ve gone the investment route, and I’ve worked for a number of startups as a Consultant.

The Crazy Boss

Is your Startup Boss Crazy? Almost definitely. Anyone has to be somewhat crazy, or at least supremely confident to start their own business; the risks are incredible, and the odds of success are very slim, far slimmer than 10% just to stay alive for a couple of years, let alone go public or have a Merger or Acquisition.

Anyone who starts a company KNOWS that it is a risky proposition; but what happens next is what decides how crazy your boss really is.

There is a difference between being bold, and doing something difficult but achievable, and reckless, like climbing Mount Everest without preparation and the right team.

Have they accepted the risk, or are they just pretending that the risk does not exist, and that they will be successful, period?

Do they have any self doubt at all, or are they completely confident while staring down the barrels of their competitors?

Do they believe their own press releases, and believe they really are a “leader” at what they say they are, or do they know that’s just a game and deep down they are nothing but a scrappy startup with limited chances of success?

Do they allow you to fill your role as VP/Manager, Team Lead, etc, or do they micromanage everything because they know everything better than you do?

Do they make extravagant claims to customers that you know would be difficult or impossible to fulfill?

Do they mislead the press, their customers, or investors? If they regularly misrepresent or overstate the facts to customers or clients, why wouldn’t they be just as apt to lie and mislead their employees such as yourself?

I could go on and on — but if you think your startup boss is crazy, s/he probably is.

If they blame you for everything, it’s almost definitely not your fault.

Do you have a startup boss from hell? If so — find another job.

They’ll curse you forever to have the common sense to leave but guess what — it’s your life, not theirs.

There are a million scrappy startups out there — for those thinking about joining one, I advise maximizing your cash in the negotiation and minimizing the stock — something I’ll cover in another article. [DISCLAIMER: I am not a Financial Advisor and this should not be construed to be investment advice, etc. etc.]

But noone needs to feel that they work for an abusive, unappreciative boss who’s so adept at their sales pitch that lying has become second nature.

If that’s how you feel about your current job — find another one — quick.

The world has seen from G. W. Bush what a supremely confident leader who is far too quick to discount the risks can bring upon the people that he purports to lead.

It’s bad enough to be govenerned by someone that out of touch with reality; you don’t have to work for one too.

Software Maestro

“The most they’ll pay is $60/hr, Sugar”

Why not? Because the Agencies keep it a secret; why do they keep it a secret? Because if they didn’t keep it a secret, no one would make use of their “Services”.

To put it simply, the average recruiter Margin today is 40%. 40%! And after that you pay another 40% to Uncle Sam, leaving you with what, a pittance? Exactly.

Unlike a Full Time Employee, where the amount the recruiter makes is fully disclosed (and usually around $25,000), the contractor margin is almost never disclosed.

This author argues that it is a pox on the industry that this “fee” is not disclosed to either the company engaging the Agency, nor the Engineer employed by the Agency.

This is bad for a number of reasons, primary amongst them that the Agency’s goal is to make the biggest spread between the bill rate and the amount they pay the Engineer, thus they are incented to find the “cheapest”/”worst” talent and bill them for the highest rate.

This is bad for corporate accounting and fiscal responsibility because they have no idea how much money is being wasted.

This is bad for the Engineer because they are unfairly being taken advantage of.

How can I “be sure” it’s 40% if it’s hidden? The math is simple my friend. How many times as an Engineer have you been told that, the “most the client will pay is $60/hr” or, “the most they will pay is $55/hr”.  Tons of times right?

So do the math. They are billing the client $100/hr, or $99/hr, and then they skim their 40% and the most they have to pay is, voila, $60/hr.

So what’s the alternative? Simple. In the Internet Era companies don’t have to be at the mercy of the Headhunter Pimps and their rolodexes.

They can just advertise their jobs directly on job boards such as Craigslist, Monster, etc.

They’ll get more Developer for their money, and for the money saved, can probably get 2 developers for the price of one.

Finally, for those that continue to use Agencies, they should force the recruiter to disclose the margin. If their service is worth their fee, then noone should complain about their margin. But if it isn’t, and no service is worth the 40% they charge, the margin should be adjusted to be realistic. 

It’s bad enough to be pimped around by these folks — the least they can do is disclose the Pimp fee.

And don’t forget to advertise your job directly.

After all, the gals in the “oldest profession” have pretty much given up on pimps and tend to advertise directly on the net.

They should know how best to play the game.